14 days shy of a year

I am grateful that I am still torn apart over the loss of Oakley because that shows me how capable I am of loving deeply. I am glad that it still hurts this much. Maybe one day I will get to meet someone who i can share this deep of a love with. for now im just focusing on myself.

in a nut shell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DzNo_q5Pa8

old age

one of my last memories of you. its beautiful. i was looking at you. all of the sudden, i saw you as an old man. i didn't feel or think any differently seeing you that way. it still felt like we were in that moment in the middle of a conversation. it was the same. but better. enriched.
thats when i became absolutely terrified.
that i knew . . .
and theres nothing i could do

speechless


absolutely beautiful.

to share

sometimes.. we get sucked into this sticky gooey patch.. we need to be pushed to rip free from it.
honestly, this music makes me really happy. all i can do is share it. if they don't get off from it as much as i do. oh well. oh but this documentary i watched earlier... was pretty great. inspiring at least. i realized... i used to act from pure rage, love, sadness, ecstasy .... its funny how we can internalize someone elses .... opinions. pretty stupid.  why did i ever start caring what other people thought. that was a bad idea. ha. people used to think i was on drugs when i was 13-15 because i was this nonsensical ball of energy shooting out beams. i'd get asked frequently.. what are you on...
i'm glad i was that way. and i'm glad its still somewhere deep inside me. i need to work on pulling it out again. its time to play.

2 days shy of three months

don't become irritated. have patience with yourself. rome wasn't built in a day. you're going to love him forever. be at peace with it. don't let the pain become intolerable. surrender to the pain and it will subside. your pain is your love turned inside out. just let go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HZUmdcoCJY

listening to: Lessons in grief, codependency, and conscious gratitude by Melody Beattie

"we have not given enough credit to grief. we don't live in a grief friendly society. we are not grief friendly. we avoid feeling pain. and that explains codependency. ( this lady is awesome). Elizabeth cooper (sp?) defined the stages of grief as: Denial, negotiation, anger, sadness, and then acceptance. Grief is a murky experience of going through potentially thousands of emotions. opening up is one of the most difficult things. Surrendering to changes that we don't like. learning to go through these problems and changes with as much ease and grace as possible. were always going to have problems. i don't know we'll ever get a -why-. i don't know there is one. there aren't any rules. its not about judging ourselves its about having a tool kit available. people today are not emerging into adulthood with the same survival resiliency as the babyboomers had. Have Thanks for everything awful that you hate. because.. Resistance ............will ruin everything. so having thanks for what you despise and loathe.... will actually change it ... to what you want. It is a truism. saying thank you for everything and particularly thank you for things you don't want, for whats painful, for whats problematic. i would never encourage one to say thank you for a tragedy. I'm grateful i hurt so much because thats how much i love ________. The earlier in the day we can do this the better it is. to go from what we really feel to what we think we should feel. Today i am grateful for... the things that are causing pain , problems, what theyre afraid of , are confusing them. what they want that they think theyre never going to get. instead of practicing misery, practice conscious gratitude. the returns are enormous." - melody beattie