in a nut shell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DzNo_q5Pa8

old age

one of my last memories of you. its beautiful. i was looking at you. all of the sudden, i saw you as an old man. i didn't feel or think any differently seeing you that way. it still felt like we were in that moment in the middle of a conversation. it was the same. but better. enriched.
thats when i became absolutely terrified.
that i knew . . .
and theres nothing i could do

speechless


absolutely beautiful.

to share

sometimes.. we get sucked into this sticky gooey patch.. we need to be pushed to rip free from it.
honestly, this music makes me really happy. all i can do is share it. if they don't get off from it as much as i do. oh well. oh but this documentary i watched earlier... was pretty great. inspiring at least. i realized... i used to act from pure rage, love, sadness, ecstasy .... its funny how we can internalize someone elses .... opinions. pretty stupid.  why did i ever start caring what other people thought. that was a bad idea. ha. people used to think i was on drugs when i was 13-15 because i was this nonsensical ball of energy shooting out beams. i'd get asked frequently.. what are you on...
i'm glad i was that way. and i'm glad its still somewhere deep inside me. i need to work on pulling it out again. its time to play.

2 days shy of three months

don't become irritated. have patience with yourself. rome wasn't built in a day. you're going to love him forever. be at peace with it. don't let the pain become intolerable. surrender to the pain and it will subside. your pain is your love turned inside out. just let go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HZUmdcoCJY

listening to: Lessons in grief, codependency, and conscious gratitude by Melody Beattie

"we have not given enough credit to grief. we don't live in a grief friendly society. we are not grief friendly. we avoid feeling pain. and that explains codependency. ( this lady is awesome). Elizabeth cooper (sp?) defined the stages of grief as: Denial, negotiation, anger, sadness, and then acceptance. Grief is a murky experience of going through potentially thousands of emotions. opening up is one of the most difficult things. Surrendering to changes that we don't like. learning to go through these problems and changes with as much ease and grace as possible. were always going to have problems. i don't know we'll ever get a -why-. i don't know there is one. there aren't any rules. its not about judging ourselves its about having a tool kit available. people today are not emerging into adulthood with the same survival resiliency as the babyboomers had. Have Thanks for everything awful that you hate. because.. Resistance ............will ruin everything. so having thanks for what you despise and loathe.... will actually change it ... to what you want. It is a truism. saying thank you for everything and particularly thank you for things you don't want, for whats painful, for whats problematic. i would never encourage one to say thank you for a tragedy. I'm grateful i hurt so much because thats how much i love ________. The earlier in the day we can do this the better it is. to go from what we really feel to what we think we should feel. Today i am grateful for... the things that are causing pain , problems, what theyre afraid of , are confusing them. what they want that they think theyre never going to get. instead of practicing misery, practice conscious gratitude. the returns are enormous." - melody beattie

nobody knows...

nobody knows. i don't even know. that is what keeps me troubled i suppose. my therapist asked me today if i'm feeling angry yet. I replied "no". i'm not feeling angry. just feeling turmoiled. there is turmoil but i don't believe it is anger. it is more so sadness. i am not angry for what i have lost. i am just truly sad. she said with the process of grief, one feels sad and then angry before letting go. i wonder if i will ever feel angry. i just feel sad. i don't think theres any potential for anger. who knows i guess. this is all new to me. i did feel angry when meig died. not for long just a short period. with this loss i don't think it will happen though. it's forever a mystery. letting go would be a wonderful relief. it seems like a life time away. the pace of a snail is what it feels like. its only been 2 months.. it feels a lot longer than that. i overheard my dad say to my mom the other day--its nice to see her happy. but i'm not. i guess i appear happy. but all it really is -i'm just not talking about it anymore. i keep it to myself. because it seems no matter how much i talk about the pain- its still there. it doesnt go away. time makes it more bearable. . . if you could call it bearable. its like meigs death. i never got over that and i never will. i don't want to cover my pain up though. i feel like everyone expects people to cover up their pain. what a weird world we live in. usually i just sigh and try to give up feeling for a few hours...the duration of an attempt being social... or the duration of a work shift... or interacting when i have to. then its there. beside me. i wonder how long i'll feel numb. do i have to feel numb? is there any other way dealing with loss than numbing oneself to get through a day? its become part of my daily routine. get up and think about things to push me to start my day. once my day is started i press a button to numb myself. then i force myself to go to sleep. because i don't want to go to sleep. i won't feel this way forever. i don't want to suppress this issue. i don't want to suppress my process. it is ok to be sad. but how do you forgive yourself for feeling sad...how do you forgive yourself for being sad...around family.. or friends..or work employees...? you should feel ...what you're feeling. but is it rude or obnoxious to not give a fuck if people see you are sad. people want people to be happy. i feel like a party pooper. good thing im not going to any parties. theres all these things to do to get over grief... but why isn't there help to be with grief.to be with grief fully. see it feel it smell it taste it hear it. organizing your grief so you know what feelings and thoughts are. how to look at them in the moment of feeling them. a mixture of live and let live and rise above and transform. i want to be with it familiarize myself with it. see all aspects of it. i want to understand it.

http://realitystudio.net/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=1230&sid=fd1f787727f134d52d2cbad103dd7d77&start=60

i had no idea this book would need so much translating.

constant hum

don't forget to check out henry miller. i can't remember who brought it up. It was a regular at Shakepeare's pub i believe. i just finished my fourth book... in a month give or take. just started #5 tonight. its naked lunch by william s burroughs.... first page ...completely over my head.. the slang.. it goes in and out. a little difficult to comprehend.. and the " "  " " " who is speaking to whom? ectoplasm? drug lingo...i want to understand this.

Il est une heure du matin

and the lighting is dim.. amber warm reflecting deep yellow and oranges. fragrance of gardenias fill the room. for the first time i feel like i can breathe in the present. theres still a lot to pay attention to and work on. but its nice being in this moment.

Late rain

Late rain late read. Cooing and chirping. Constant humming vibrato of insects. Florida late night. Peaceful. Soothing. Thank you.

one day at a time

confidence.  looking at yourself from the outside. judgement. being someone you're not because you're afraid of how others will perceive you and make judgement from a formed idea or thought about you. does that mean you're hiding ? playing chameleon or trying to be camouflaged? because you don't really want people to know who you are unless you know who they are. therefore you close up like a clam or are awkward socially. not as outgoing as you could be. your nature is outgoing but you definitely have an inclination to come off as closed or introverted. hmm.. what is it that scares you about getting to know other people... ohhh.. you dont like explaining or "selling" yourself because you are insecure about where you are in ways of your accomplishments. you dont feel you have accomplished what you've wanted to and have anxiety or feel discouraged about it. so... whatever.. spend more time with yourself. do more for yourself. hang out with people less. so then when you do hang out with people or socialize you actually have something to talk about ... so is that what it is? you get insecure when you feel like you dont have anything to talk about because you haven't accomplished some major goal. get on it. stop being lazy.

Them

Sometimes I think back and I feel like I've been sad a really long time. In a way I can't remember a time I wasn't. There used to be a light that shone so bright out of me. Its been gone for a very long time. Then one of the brightest people in my life committed suicide. I lost all hope after that. I kept going to be strong to be there for people I loved who also loved her. Then I met you. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. Now with bad thoughts I've never felt so dead and lost. The light that once was 9-10 years ago is barely an ember. I'll feel this way for a very long time. I don't know if I can pull myself out of feeling this way. Everything just feels so heavy. All it was to you was just a nice time. To me it was a lifetime of the deepest love I've ever felt. That's what I get though. When I finally fall in love...it doesn't matter. Left to wolves and fireflies. I'm not guilty but I get stabbed to death.

Rumbling

Counteractive  and unquenchable. The humidity and chirping of birds roll off me like steam that comes up from hot pavement.

commencer

so this is where it starts. that point where you're frantically looking around for help or any form of distraction out of desperation. you feel yourself being sucked into a black hole everyday. sometimes you get lucky and get distracted for a few hours but then it finds you chases you looms over you. or perhaps it feels like being trapped by quicksand everyday.. and in fact even when you're sleeping. When you wake, you go over all your dreams realizing what they were -all- about, then you struggle to get out of bed bc you just want to lie there all day and not blink or say a word or just cry rubbing your snot into the sheets with your arm lifelessly hanging off the side of the bed. wallow is a good word. after reliving all the memories and pain and heartbreak for about five to 30 minutes you get out of bed reluctantly.  i can't stop. not this time. i'm stuck because i absolutely loved everything about him... all of it. all of him. it doesn't matter though because the moment is gone. and now i'm here wanting to turn a page back or press the rewind button. too bad that's not how it works. and the tears.. you'd think after a certain amount of crying things would feel better, get better. but apparently it doesn't work that way either. it's still really fresh. within the first two weeks i cried often and puked a few times from upset.

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/12-ways-mend-broken-heart