nobody knows...

nobody knows. i don't even know. that is what keeps me troubled i suppose. my therapist asked me today if i'm feeling angry yet. I replied "no". i'm not feeling angry. just feeling turmoiled. there is turmoil but i don't believe it is anger. it is more so sadness. i am not angry for what i have lost. i am just truly sad. she said with the process of grief, one feels sad and then angry before letting go. i wonder if i will ever feel angry. i just feel sad. i don't think theres any potential for anger. who knows i guess. this is all new to me. i did feel angry when meig died. not for long just a short period. with this loss i don't think it will happen though. it's forever a mystery. letting go would be a wonderful relief. it seems like a life time away. the pace of a snail is what it feels like. its only been 2 months.. it feels a lot longer than that. i overheard my dad say to my mom the other day--its nice to see her happy. but i'm not. i guess i appear happy. but all it really is -i'm just not talking about it anymore. i keep it to myself. because it seems no matter how much i talk about the pain- its still there. it doesnt go away. time makes it more bearable. . . if you could call it bearable. its like meigs death. i never got over that and i never will. i don't want to cover my pain up though. i feel like everyone expects people to cover up their pain. what a weird world we live in. usually i just sigh and try to give up feeling for a few hours...the duration of an attempt being social... or the duration of a work shift... or interacting when i have to. then its there. beside me. i wonder how long i'll feel numb. do i have to feel numb? is there any other way dealing with loss than numbing oneself to get through a day? its become part of my daily routine. get up and think about things to push me to start my day. once my day is started i press a button to numb myself. then i force myself to go to sleep. because i don't want to go to sleep. i won't feel this way forever. i don't want to suppress this issue. i don't want to suppress my process. it is ok to be sad. but how do you forgive yourself for feeling sad...how do you forgive yourself for being sad...around family.. or friends..or work employees...? you should feel ...what you're feeling. but is it rude or obnoxious to not give a fuck if people see you are sad. people want people to be happy. i feel like a party pooper. good thing im not going to any parties. theres all these things to do to get over grief... but why isn't there help to be with grief.to be with grief fully. see it feel it smell it taste it hear it. organizing your grief so you know what feelings and thoughts are. how to look at them in the moment of feeling them. a mixture of live and let live and rise above and transform. i want to be with it familiarize myself with it. see all aspects of it. i want to understand it.