listening to: Lessons in grief, codependency, and conscious gratitude by Melody Beattie

"we have not given enough credit to grief. we don't live in a grief friendly society. we are not grief friendly. we avoid feeling pain. and that explains codependency. ( this lady is awesome). Elizabeth cooper (sp?) defined the stages of grief as: Denial, negotiation, anger, sadness, and then acceptance. Grief is a murky experience of going through potentially thousands of emotions. opening up is one of the most difficult things. Surrendering to changes that we don't like. learning to go through these problems and changes with as much ease and grace as possible. were always going to have problems. i don't know we'll ever get a -why-. i don't know there is one. there aren't any rules. its not about judging ourselves its about having a tool kit available. people today are not emerging into adulthood with the same survival resiliency as the babyboomers had. Have Thanks for everything awful that you hate. because.. Resistance ............will ruin everything. so having thanks for what you despise and loathe.... will actually change it ... to what you want. It is a truism. saying thank you for everything and particularly thank you for things you don't want, for whats painful, for whats problematic. i would never encourage one to say thank you for a tragedy. I'm grateful i hurt so much because thats how much i love ________. The earlier in the day we can do this the better it is. to go from what we really feel to what we think we should feel. Today i am grateful for... the things that are causing pain , problems, what theyre afraid of , are confusing them. what they want that they think theyre never going to get. instead of practicing misery, practice conscious gratitude. the returns are enormous." - melody beattie

nobody knows...

nobody knows. i don't even know. that is what keeps me troubled i suppose. my therapist asked me today if i'm feeling angry yet. I replied "no". i'm not feeling angry. just feeling turmoiled. there is turmoil but i don't believe it is anger. it is more so sadness. i am not angry for what i have lost. i am just truly sad. she said with the process of grief, one feels sad and then angry before letting go. i wonder if i will ever feel angry. i just feel sad. i don't think theres any potential for anger. who knows i guess. this is all new to me. i did feel angry when meig died. not for long just a short period. with this loss i don't think it will happen though. it's forever a mystery. letting go would be a wonderful relief. it seems like a life time away. the pace of a snail is what it feels like. its only been 2 months.. it feels a lot longer than that. i overheard my dad say to my mom the other day--its nice to see her happy. but i'm not. i guess i appear happy. but all it really is -i'm just not talking about it anymore. i keep it to myself. because it seems no matter how much i talk about the pain- its still there. it doesnt go away. time makes it more bearable. . . if you could call it bearable. its like meigs death. i never got over that and i never will. i don't want to cover my pain up though. i feel like everyone expects people to cover up their pain. what a weird world we live in. usually i just sigh and try to give up feeling for a few hours...the duration of an attempt being social... or the duration of a work shift... or interacting when i have to. then its there. beside me. i wonder how long i'll feel numb. do i have to feel numb? is there any other way dealing with loss than numbing oneself to get through a day? its become part of my daily routine. get up and think about things to push me to start my day. once my day is started i press a button to numb myself. then i force myself to go to sleep. because i don't want to go to sleep. i won't feel this way forever. i don't want to suppress this issue. i don't want to suppress my process. it is ok to be sad. but how do you forgive yourself for feeling sad...how do you forgive yourself for being sad...around family.. or friends..or work employees...? you should feel ...what you're feeling. but is it rude or obnoxious to not give a fuck if people see you are sad. people want people to be happy. i feel like a party pooper. good thing im not going to any parties. theres all these things to do to get over grief... but why isn't there help to be with grief.to be with grief fully. see it feel it smell it taste it hear it. organizing your grief so you know what feelings and thoughts are. how to look at them in the moment of feeling them. a mixture of live and let live and rise above and transform. i want to be with it familiarize myself with it. see all aspects of it. i want to understand it.

http://realitystudio.net/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=1230&sid=fd1f787727f134d52d2cbad103dd7d77&start=60

i had no idea this book would need so much translating.

constant hum

don't forget to check out henry miller. i can't remember who brought it up. It was a regular at Shakepeare's pub i believe. i just finished my fourth book... in a month give or take. just started #5 tonight. its naked lunch by william s burroughs.... first page ...completely over my head.. the slang.. it goes in and out. a little difficult to comprehend.. and the " "  " " " who is speaking to whom? ectoplasm? drug lingo...i want to understand this.

Il est une heure du matin

and the lighting is dim.. amber warm reflecting deep yellow and oranges. fragrance of gardenias fill the room. for the first time i feel like i can breathe in the present. theres still a lot to pay attention to and work on. but its nice being in this moment.