commencer

so this is where it starts. that point where you're frantically looking around for help or any form of distraction out of desperation. you feel yourself being sucked into a black hole everyday. sometimes you get lucky and get distracted for a few hours but then it finds you chases you looms over you. or perhaps it feels like being trapped by quicksand everyday.. and in fact even when you're sleeping. When you wake, you go over all your dreams realizing what they were -all- about, then you struggle to get out of bed bc you just want to lie there all day and not blink or say a word or just cry rubbing your snot into the sheets with your arm lifelessly hanging off the side of the bed. wallow is a good word. after reliving all the memories and pain and heartbreak for about five to 30 minutes you get out of bed reluctantly.  i can't stop. not this time. i'm stuck because i absolutely loved everything about him... all of it. all of him. it doesn't matter though because the moment is gone. and now i'm here wanting to turn a page back or press the rewind button. too bad that's not how it works. and the tears.. you'd think after a certain amount of crying things would feel better, get better. but apparently it doesn't work that way either. it's still really fresh. within the first two weeks i cried often and puked a few times from upset.

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/12-ways-mend-broken-heart